UPDATE : Ok, I wrote this late at night when I was tired and cranky and frankly extremely stressed out. My new job is great but adjusting to it isn't easy. My living arrangement is "bleh", and also stifles my creativity. I've also been working on a secret art project that honestly started fun (like always) and has slowly crushed my soul (like always). I have rage quit that project (like always).
I have since decided to take a hiatus from pursuing art in any form other than the doodles I do when bored (or for birthday cards, etc). I don't plan to post any art on here or any other site for the next few months. I might come on here to look at art and try to reply to comments.
I have to learn how to love creating art again. I will probably give up on art as any sort of income (including cons, since they are more stress than fun for me now). I was thinking of doing an etsy shop but I don't know if I can handle that stress or the potential disappointment when I sell poorly (and I will sell poorly; not being pessimistic I just historically have not been able to sell my art well). I have to not care about favs but that's easier said than done. I still want a Daily Deviation... sorry, but I do. I'm almost at the point of trying to nominate myself to the judges. But I also am fully aware I mostly only create quick, easy art and really never make detailed art worthy of a DD. So maybe that can come later someday down the road.
Why do I care about favs and stuff? Honestly, I need the validation, I really do. I have an extremely low self esteem and extremely high level of self hatred (not alone, I know many people are in the same boat as me). When I draw something I'm happy with and I get 2 favs, I start to think "I knew my art was crap!" My goal is to work on my self worth issues, work on liking myself and worrying less if other people do too. Maybe that will spill over into my art and I can just be happy with my art even if it gets no views and no favs.
Anyways. Um, see y'all around? Come back in a few months and hopefully I'll have made some progress on loving art enough to draw AND post without fear of failure? Hopefully...
THE ORIGINAL RAGEQUIT "I HATE MY ART" JOURNAL:
I feel like this day has been coming for a long time now. The day I will finally just throw my hands up and quit the art world. And before you ask, no, this isn't me whining so I can get people to tell me not too. I feel like I need to talk about this with someone and my fellow artists on DA seem like a good place to go.
And no, it's not me quitting because I think I'm better than the art world. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I feel like the art world is too big for me. I feel lost, frustrated, and pointless. I guess a part of me is also writing this because I feel like if I stopped posting art and selling art at conventions most of my fan base wouldn't even notice. But most of all, I feel like I get no satisfaction from my art anymore.
I really don't get happiness from my art. I mostly resent it and feel bitter towards whatever I create. I rarely even draw and when I do it's a struggle to produce anything and whatever I finish I critique very harshly. Projects get started and forgotten because I lose interest. Tonight I finally hit a wall and decided to give up on a new project I started on two months ago. I'm rage quitting like I always do. It can join the dozens of scrapped large projects, and the hundreds if not thousands of sketches that never got finished and will never be seen by anyone but me.
I used to draw because I loved it. I was content with art for the sake of art. Sure, I wanted to impress my friends but that's what's great when you are young and are the only artist in your group. Anything you make will be received with awe and amazement even when it's absolute crap. Then I discovered the internet and started posting art. Again, small audience (when your website gets 100 hits a month, at most) which often equals "big appreciation". Then I got a small following on the Superhero Hype fan art forums. I eventually found my way to DeviantART a little over 10 years ago. Finally a place I could share my work with other artists. I wallowed in obscurity for those 10 years. I had some big moments for me but like so many of the artists on here, your 100 favs on a drawing feels like crap when you see people with thousands of favs. There are artists who have more favs on ONE drawing than I have on all 516 of my drawings. And I feel bad complaining because I know there are better artists out there who have even less views/favs than me. Or when I sell art at conventions and I walk away with a fraction of what a lot of artists make. I've had many years I try to even give away art for dirt cheap (25-50 cents) or even free just to clear out some stock. I have people come up look at it and go "meh". I know my style isn't for everyone but when I can't even give it away? Just kill me already.
I know I shouldn't care about favs or the money. I know I should care about the art and the pursuit of improving my art. Hell, I'll admit it, I get jealous of my friends who have more recognition. I get jealous of 15 year olds who draw better than me and I'm in my 30's. I'm insecure like that. But there comes a point in my life I don't feel like my art is improving, I don't like my art, and the majority of people who see my art just go "whatever". So why bother? Yeah, I shouldn't care about the fame and fortune. But I do. I’m sorry if I really wanted to get a stupid Daily Deviation by now. I just kind of felt like getting one might somehow validate my existence as an artist.
And what’s worse, I’ve spent so much of the past decade progressively caring more and more about making art that will get me recognition or sell well that I don’t even really draw what I want to half the time. And when I do finally draw something I’m happy with, I post it or print it and NO ONE CARES! It’ll get two favs or I can’t sell it and have to eventually just give away the prints at some con two years later. I created that Dalek cutout for the last animazement. I was so happy with it, like, really happy with it. And how much did it sell in the auction? Eleven lousy dollars. The asshat who won it even put in his low bid and lurked over it the rest of the night to make sure no one outbid him! Thanks jackass! You got a spiffy Dalek and my soul got crushed a little more.
It's not even like it matters. I never post art anymore. I so rarely even drawn. Honestly, I've drawn and posted 18 drawings this year. That's not even 3 a month.
So to hell with it. This is me rage quitting.